You wanna know what I hate more than anything else in the world? Well i'm gonna tell you anyway. So there. I hate stupid people. Don't you hate stupid people? You should. If you don't, well then maybe you're...Oh, never mind. Anyway, yeah, they really annoy me. Stupid people, that is.
You know what's one of the things stupid people do that really annoys me? They call you names. That's right, they call you names and then they laugh. Sometimes they point, too. I really hate that. People who aren't stupid don't do those things. That's a fact. You could look it up.
My friend says that all the time. He says you could look it up. I used to think that was stupid, but then I realized it couldn't be, because he's my friend, and I wouldn't be friends with anyone stupid. No sir, I sure wouldn't. I'll bet you're wondering what my friend's name is. Well I might tell you in a while. If I decide you're not stupid. I'm not gonna tell you my name though. Well, maybe my real name, but not my nickname. The name they call me just before they laugh. And point. I really hate that.
So you're probably wondering what all the screaming is about. Well, it's kind of a long story. Well, not that long, but I could maybe tell you if you promise to listen. See, it's like this, you can only take just so much, you know? I mean, when things get to maximum stupidity, then you gotta do something about it. You can understand that, right? Well, you can if you're not stupid like they are.
So here's the deal. The other day I was sitting around talking with my friend, and these really stupid guys came along and called me that name they call me. Then they started laughing. They asked my why I was talking to myself. I told them I was talking to my friend. They said no I wasn't, I wasn't talking to nobody but myself.
I got really mad. Just because they can't see him doesn't mean he isn't there. That's how stupid they are. They laughed some more, and they pointed at me. That really got me annoyed. So I made a plan. Because i'm not stupid. The next day I walked past them and made sure they saw me. I went to the old abandoned shed behind the factory, the one nobody ever goes in because there's supposed to be snakes and stuff in there, only there ain't, because I checked.
Anyway, they came to the shed, like I knew they would. Because they're stupid. They asked me what I was doing and I told them I trapped a rattlesnake in there. They said I was a liar, and they called me that name they call me. Then they laughed and pointed. I told them I didn't care because I wouldn't let them see the snake anyway. Those stupid guys always make fun of me at school. I get so tired of it.
So then they pushed me out of the way and went in the shed. Just like I knew they would. You know how I knew? Because i'm not stupid. So i closed the door while they were in there and I put the padlock on that I brought from my father's garage. Then I went around the back of the shed and got the gasoline I hid there. I poured it all over that old wooden shed, that's what I did. Then I took out the matches from the pocket of these nice pants my mother made for me. You can guess the rest. If you're not stupid.
Anyway, that's what all the screaming is about. So now you know. My friend says it was the right thing to do. He would say that, he's the one who told me to do it. There are too many stupid people in the world. He said that too. He said you could look it up. So now I gotta go home because it's almost dinnertime and my mom will be mad if i'm late. Bye bye stupid people.
"So, Ralphie, how was school today?" Mrs. Andrews look expectantly at her son.
"Ok." Ralph had a smile on his face, which was unusual.
"What did you do after school?"
"Oh, not much."
"Oh, come on, Ralph, you must have done something. You didn't have any trouble with those horrible boys that tease you, did you?" His father looked concerned.
"No dad. They won't be bothering me anymore. They were just stupid."
"Well i'm glad you got that resolved. You came to an understanding with them?" His mother had that worried look she sometimes got.
Ralph looked at her. Boy, she could be stupid sometimes. "Yeah mom, an understanding. They won't be stupid anymore."
